Friday, June 27, 2014

A hard day.

I had a lovely metaphorical moment while looking out the window & drinking my early cup of coffee today. 
I watched the morning sun and gentle breeze slowly pulling back the thick blanket of fog that lay covering the city, until the sun was shining its warm light on every facet of the landscape. 
I had the realization waking up today that the fog that had been covering my mind for the last few days had been lifted as well. For the first time since all this has transpired I was able to feel well rested, clear headed, and go along with my typical morning routine. I feel like the metaphorical sun was shining on my mind. 

All that being said, today has actually felt fairly devastating. 
My contractions came back around 8:30 am, and I was thrilled because they felt like my early labor contractions have felt with my past two pregnancies. But as the day wore on, they tapered off again and by late afternoon, despite spending all of my day's concentration and energy on them, they were gone. 
On top of this, the doctors came by to tell me that if I hadn't made progress that they would induce me next Thursday, but they are keeping me in the hospital because they don't believe it is safe for me to leave. They stopped monitoring me and giving me antibiotics, so my visits from the nurses have been next to none. I feel fairly written off. 
Then Aaron brought the kids down this afternoon. 

My joy at seeing them was as strong as the overwhelming sadness that came over me when they left. I just sat and cried for an hour straight. There is nothing more precious to me in my life than being their mama, and I have tuned out what a void being apart from them has left in my heart. 

So of course, I had to take all this up with God. I asked him why I was so stuck & to relieve me from this burden. I didn't ask in anger but in dispair, and I felt his words gently enter my mind. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29)

God is giving good things to me in this situation. There are things that I won't fully be able to see until all of this is over, and maybe some things I never will see... But the important thing is it is his plan. The Lord reminded me that all of this trial is fruitful for me and that I am growing in ways I never otherwise would be able to, but also at the same time, me having this experience has a purpose for many other people around me too. 

With this meditation in my heart (actually right in the middle of writing this too) I took a walk down the hall to the pantry to take a break & get a snack. As I was heating up some food a young man came in to wait in line for the microwave. I asked him if he had had a baby yet, and he responded no, and they were hoping that the baby wouldn't come for another 2 weeks. Turns out that he is from Eureka area and was life flighted down here as well. His wife's water broke at 30 weeks. They lost a baby last year in a similar situation. 
I talked a while longer with him and I could see some comfort take hold in his eyes from talking with someone from back home who was in a similar situation.  l let him know that I would be praying for them & their little son & he thanked me. 

In just 10 minutes in a chance closet pantry conversation I felt God reaffirm that there is a lot of purpose for me in this journey. I'm not going to understand it all, and I don't have to. The pain in my heart from being separated from my family will likely be in me as long as I am here. Not knowing what is happening with my body day in and day out will not get less hard. But...

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8)

... And I believe it.